May My Hand Forget It's Skill
by AMKelley
Summary: Alex returns to Xavier's Institute after his ordeal in Vietnam only to find that many things have changed in his absence. *PTSD, love triangle, kissing, grinding, normal!Hank, sexual tension* (Hank/Alex, slight Peter/Hank)
1. Homecoming

It had taken him a while, but Alex finally managed to find his way back to the only place he considered to be home. A lot of things are different now than what Alex had grown accustomed to, but he supposes that was inevitable. Too many things have changed and happened in Alex's absence and walking up to the big, once glorious entrance was surreal enough to keep him grounded in reality.

What was even more surreal was knocking on the front door with the distinct lack of chatter and footsteps like there had been before this war had started. It was disheartening. Alex stood back with his luggage slung over one shoulder, waiting patiently for someone to answer the door. He didn't have much when leaving and he sure as hell had a whole lot less upon returning.

The door eventually swung open, as rusted as it's hinges were, to reveal the once proud leader of the X-Men. Alex was greeted with a small, but not entirely weak, smile that followed with a motion to gain Alex entry. Walking in through the archway left him with an oddly warm feeling despite the overdubbing heaviness in the atmosphere.

"I was hoping to see you again, Alex," Charles greets him as warmly as he can considering the circumstances.

Alex only nods because he doesn't know what to say exactly, half-expecting that Charles would have shunned him the moment he opened the door. There had been a lot of mixed signals and things were said in the past, both good and bad, that would lead Alex to believe that he wasn't welcomed here anymore. But that wasn't the kind of man Charles was. He was a forgiving man, for the most part.

"It's great to have a friend back," Charles says softly, extending a hand out to Alex as if to make his return official. Alex takes his hand and they shake briefly. "Let's hope it stays that way this time."

The remark isn't meant to mock or chastise, it's not meant for anything really, but it does strike a nerve inside of Alex. Despite his obvious effort, Charles looks and sounds like hell as if he's trying extra hard to remain optimistic about the recent turn of events. Charles isn't the only one, though. Alex had met many people like that while he was in Vietnam. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

His hair is longer than it had been before Alex left and he hasn't shaved in a while, not to mention he was wheelchair ridden again.

"Your room is the same as you left it," Charles informs Alex, prompting the young mutant to get settled in once again. Alex begins to ascend the stairs taking his leave from Charles' presence. "And Alex?"

"Yes, professor?" Alex inquires, turning around and dropping his gaze down to the foot of the staircase.

"Hank is different now," Charles warns lightly, creasing his brows in concern. Charles is more than familiar with Hank's and Alex's somewhat strained relationship. He didn't need telepathy for that. "He's moved on and he may not be as forgiving as me."

"I never expected him to be," Alex acknowledges with a latent response. Alex sighs as climbs the rest of the stairs, adding, "He has every right to be upset. We all do."

The walk to his old room is quiet, but to his surprise there are a few mutants who quietly roamed the halls, suggesting that Charles is attempting to revive what's left of the school, though none of them were familiar. Alex admires Charles' determination especially after all that's happened from Erik to Vietnam to Trask. Everybody across the world, both human and mutant alike, have been afflicted by this war and are attempting to rebuild their lives once again.

Alex was gone for too long and that looming fact was enhanced when he finally reached his room. It was the same as he had left it before he went to Vietnam, but the atmosphere wasn't as sterile as he figured it would be. Perhaps his room had been routinely cleaned or maybe someone frequently came in here just because.

Hank was the only person who came to mind on that matter and why shouldn't he? There were many nights when Hank would stay with him in his room over the night as they laid in each other's arms. Many nights in which they claimed each other's bodies, both when Hank was Beast and when he wasn't.

Alex wouldn't be surprised if Hank came in here occasionally to reclaim something of his or possibly re-live the so called glory days when everything seemed easier. Alex vaguely wondered if Hank came in here and slept in his bed from time to time, but Alex doesn't suppose Hank would. Not after everything was said and done.

He set his military issued duffle bag on his neatly made bed, watching as the dust settled and dissipated into thin air. The sunlight coming in through the window illuminated just how vacant and depressing this room now was and the occasional ominous shuffle of feet outside his door was enough to haunt anyone. Alex likes to think he'd be less depressed if there was a better vibe going on instead of being shaken to the core with melancholy.

But he knows it wouldn't make any difference. He'd still feel empty inside. Erased. The war had changed Alex in more ways than one. In ways that would constitute great concern from anyone who knew him well enough. He thought going home would do him some good and help ease the ache inside him a little, but it didn't. Not even a little when he stepped off that plane.

A new ache had formed in the pit of his core and it was one of dread and yearning. Dread that he wouldn't be able to readjust to the new world and yearning for the battlefield because it was all he knew anymore. Alex felt out of place being back in civilian life, having grown accustomed to explosion and bullets and war.

He shuts his eyes and tries not to think of those things as he breathes in the slightly stale air that consumes the space around him. Alex opts to open up the window to get some fresh air to circulate and push out all the bad vibes. Maybe that'd be enough to purify the tepid atmosphere of his vacant room.

It takes Alex couples of tries to unhinge the window until it slides free from where it sticks to the sill. He looks out over the courtyard, spying a couple sitting together on a stone bench. They're both boys from what Alex can tell and one of them looks strangely familiar. He leans out the window slightly, trying to get a better look, and stares intently at the two men laughing.

It's too far away to pick up on any major characteristics, but the laughter is as clear as day, leaving Alex to ultimately distinguish who it is. Without even registering it properly, Alex moves away from his window almost immediately and is out the door before he can stop himself. He takes long strides down the corridors and nearly trips as he races down the staircase.

He hadn't put much thought into what he was doing and by the time Alex makes it out to the courtyard, it's too late. It was Hank's laugh he heard drifting across the courtyard. A laugh he hasn't heard in such a long time that it almost sounds foreign, like a distant whisper of a memory. But the thing that unsettles Alex is the overwhelming realization of what Charles had told him.

Hank is different now. He's moved on and he won't be as forgiving.

Alex suddenly came to a stop, catching himself before he could fully reach the proximity of Hank and his silver haired counterpart. Alex wasn't familiar with the boy Hank sat with, but the way they communicated and played off of each other's body language was unmistakable, causing the blood in Alex's veins to run cold. There was no denying that these two had an obvious connection and it made Alex fume.

Their backs were facing Alex and the space between where they sat shoulder to shoulder was practically non-existent. They were so close to one another that it warranted some curiosity on Alex's part and perhaps a little bit of jealousy. Alex didn't like how this guy casually wrapped an arm around the width of Hank's shoulders or how he occasionally leaned in to whisper something in his ear.

It made his blood boil. The thought of someone else picking up the pieces Alex had inevitably left behind, only to be replaced by a feeling of inadequacy, sent him reeling with a false sense of self-worth. Had he really been gone that long? Had Hank really moved on without waiting for him to return? These thoughts, and more, have haunted Alex since before the war. Ever since his falling out with Hank and Charles.

In that moment, Hank had picked up on a scent from a distant life but deviated by the elements of war. Still, it was undeniable about who it was. Hank had an acute sense of smell and it didn't take long to notice that a third party had joined him and Peter. Alex could see how Hank visibly tensed, almost as if he was afraid to turn around, but the overwhelming curiosity got the better of him in the end.

Hank turns his whole body a fraction so he can glance sideways at the company. His blue iris gaze drifts over to the form that is Alex Summers, causing his heart to stutter to a stop before re-igniting again by the impartial and bitter taste he had left in his mouth the last time they spoke. Hank didn't appear to be elated by Alex's return, that much was obvious, but what was worse is that Hank was incomprehensible in every aspect of the word.

Peter stopped in the middle of his sentence, leaving it unfinished as his attention joined where Hank's blank gaze rested. Peter looked between Hank and Alex for a moment, assuming quickly that there was more to this than meets the eye. The way they held each other's undivided attention was uncanny and left Peter to believe that it was personal.

"Who's your friend, Hank?" Peter asks, breaking the uncomfortable silence after another long and pain shift of eyes between the two men.

"No one," Hank deadpans, neutrality turning into resentment which turned into hurt. "What are you doing here?"

"The war's over," Alex replies, letting Hank's comment wash away like he hadn't heard it. "Didn't you hear?"

"You don't belong here anymore," Hank says, casting a hard glare at Alex.

They may not officially be together, but Hank is still undoubtedly sexy when he's all red and fuming with resentment.

By this time, Hank has turned completely around to face Alex fully. Peter has kept his mouth shut throughout the duration of their exchange, knowing that this wasn't his business and to intervene would prove to be fruitless. Still, Peter was nonetheless itching to put in a word or two.

"That's not what Charles thinks," Alex states, standing his ground against his would-be lover. He can see the fire raging behind Hank's stormy eyes. "You don't have authority over me. I'm not leaving."

"Why not? It's obviously what you're best at," Hank quips, standing up abruptly and walking up to Alex to get in his face. "Running away from your problems."

"And you hide behind science and little potions," Alex mocks, taking a step closer as if to provoke the Beast.

Both men are in each other's faces with only a few inches to keep them from touching. Alex doesn't know why he's trying to provoke Hank, or start a fight for that matter, because that's the last thing he wants. Maybe it's just a habit, or perhaps a reflex from his time in Vietnam. Either way, Alex loves to see Hank on the verge of turning into the Beast.

Before everything went to hell, Hank and Alex would spend hours arguing over the smallest things, testing each other's patience to the point where it ended in sex. This, however, wasn't one of those times.

It's probably not appropriate considering where they stand, but Alex wouldn't mind taking Hank right here and now if it were truly up to him. He can see the same battle raging inside of Hank as if he's willfully restraining himself from just grabbing Alex by the face and claiming his mouth.

Alex finds himself openly staring at Hank's lips, wishing he can just lean forward and nip at them. He almost does too, that is, before Peter comes between them suddenly. Alex is knocked for a loop momentarily because the other mutant's power is something he wasn't quite expecting.

"Okay, fellas. Calm down now," Peter intervenes, placing a firm hand against both of their chests to keep them from going at one another. "I don't know what's going on, but I think we all need to just chill out and relax."

"Who the hell is this guy?" Alex asks, sparing a glance down at where the quickster rested a hand against his chest.

"Oh, I'm Peter," he quickly responds before Hank has time to come up with a smart ass remark.

"Peter?" Alex echoes with an inflection.

"Yeah?"

"Get lost," Alex threatens, swatting the quickster's hand away and giving him a solid glare of contempt.

Peter looks to Hank for a second opinion and receives a reluctant nod for him to leave them alone. Peter is a little discouraged by this, but he figures they do have a right to privacy. Peter brushes Hank's arm gently with affection, causing a surge of jealousy to rise up inside him, before speeding off in the blink of an eye.

Hank looks back at Alex, crossing his arms over his chest as if he's waiting for Alex to explain himself or do something. Alex doesn't say anything, only stares intently at Hank as he does the same. Neither man really wanted to be the first to speak, but Hank eventually took on that responsibility.

"So, what? Is he your boyfriend or something?" Alex mocks, feeling himself cringe internally at the word boyfriend.

"Screw you, Alex," Hank spits, scoffing at the accusation.

"What? I'm just curious about who you left me for," Alex says nonchalantly.

It was only meant to rattle Hank's cage a little, but the more Alex dwelled on it the more he began to feed into it.

"You left me, Charles, and Sean to fend for ourselves when we needed you the most," Hank rebukes, raising his voice to make a point and trying, in vain, to suppress his more primal instincts. "And look what happened to them."

"What are you talking about?" Alex inquires at a loss.

"Not soon after you left for Vietnam, a war of our own broke out over here," Hank begins to explain, tasting the bitterness of the memory on his tongue as he retells it. "The ones who weren't drafted stayed behind to try and defend our humanity. A lot were killed, but even more were captured and tested on."

Hank takes his glasses off to rub at the bridge of his nose, pinching the corners of his eyes as if he were trying to prevent tears from falling. Alex was gone for so long that he hadn't realized what he left behind or what could happen in his absence. Still, Alex didn't appreciate the way Hank made it sound.

"After Sean, Charles just-"

Hank has to stop mid-sentence to swallow past the lump forming in the pit of his throat. His emotions are in knots over the memory of Sean and how it inevitably affected the ones close to him. It made Hank furious that Alex hadn't been there or wasn't even aware that Sean was dead up until now.

"Everything fell apart and I had to pick the pieces up again and hold Charles together all by myself," Hank bit out with bitterness, voice cracking ever so slightly. He raises his head to glare at Alex with contempt, hating him for leaving and making him go through all that alone. "And where were you?"

This news of Sean, otherwise known as Banshee, wasn't entirely an eye opener. It was tragic and unfair and Alex was upset about losing his friend nonetheless, but Alex had grown so accustomed to losing his friends that it no longer warranted the right emotions anymore. All Alex could hear was Hank blaming him for something he had no control over.

"What are you trying to say? That I'm somehow responsible for Sean's death?" Alex demands, seething with anger that Hank would dare accuse him of doing so. "Don't you think I have enough on my conscience after what happened to Darwin?"

"That's not what I was implying at all," Hank asserts, getting in Alex's face once again and pointing a finger at him. "But you should've been there. If not for Sean, then for Charles' sake."

He's only a breath away and he struggles to resist the urge to kiss Alex. As much as Hank's angry with Alex, he still feels that temptation weakening him.

"Charles told me everything," Hank goes on to say. "You were never drafted, were you?"

"I had no choice," Alex murmurs, letting the regret get the better of him in the end.

"You always had a choice," Hank protests, shaking his head in disbelief. The expression on his face actually looks pained, like he's been stabbed in the back. "And you ran."

"I wanted to protect people."

Hank just laughs at him weakly, sounding as if he doesn't know whether it's a mock or a sob. Alex frowns internally at this reaction, causing him to see the fault in all his decisions up to and including now, regretting each and every one of them. Despite everything, Alex knows that Hank is right, but Alex is far too stubborn to admit it.

"Yeah, I can tell," Hank huffs with bitter sarcasm. "You did a bang up job, Alex."

Hank lets out a weak laugh again, shaking his head and wiping at his eyes before putting his glasses back on. He turns to walk away, leaving on that note to leave Alex stewing in his own self-pity. Maybe Hank hears a soft sniffle as he leaves the courtyard, but he could be mistaken. It hurts to walk away, but Hank wouldn't be able to spend another minute around Alex without caving in and forgiving him.

And that's something Alex doesn't deserve. Not yet.

"Welcome back," Hank calls out over the courtyard half-heartedly and it's bitter at best. He waves a lazy hand in the air as a gesture before disappearing into the mansion.

The words rang in Alex's head as he tried to decipher if this was genuine or just another mock. Alex never had any pretenses for a warm homecoming, but this was just depressing. Alex suddenly questioned whether or not coming back was the best idea after all. He came back for Hank more than anything, not just because he had nowhere else to go.

Things had been rocky before he left, but Alex never thought this would happen. Hank was angry, sure, and he had every right to be, but Alex could see how hard it was for Hank to keep up that façade when he wanted nothing more than to kiss him. Alex knew this because he too felt the same exact way about Hank.

Hank is different now.

He's moved on.

That, of course, was bullshit.


	2. Denial

It had been a few days after Alex's big return home and Hank was still in a bitter mood to say the least. Maybe Hank wasn't being fair, but it felt fitting to give Alex the cold shoulder, if only for a little bit. Hank isn't entirely sure how long he can keep this up, seeing as how it kills him to be under the same roof as Alex but not talking to him.

The arrival of Peter didn't help Hank's case either since he became hooked the moment he laid eyes on the quickster and he was sure the feeling was mutual. Peter appeared to be attracted to him on more than one occasion and he often went out of his way to touch Hank in some way. Not in an inappropriate manner, but in a casual way that expressed affection.

Hank was actually finally considering asking Peter out properly instead of continuing in this runaround, that is until Alex returned. After five years without seeing or speaking to Alex and having him show up all of a sudden when he was finally moving on kind of screwed him up a little.

There was no doubt in Hank's mind that he cared deeply about his boyfriend... Or, ex... Hank didn't even know what they were anymore. It's not as if they had officially broke up, but their last conversation wasn't particularly friendly and both of them said things they didn't mean. Much like the conversation they had no more than three days ago.

Alex avoided him for the most part after that, seeing as how Hank made it painfully clear that he needed his space, and Charles acted as if he was oblivious, which he really wasn't. The same could not be said for Peter, however, because unlike Charles, Peter wasn't into the whole "when you're ready" approach.

It was Peter's mission to collect details and find out what the hell was going on with Hank. Sure, Alex had given Peter a slanted once over and told him to get lost, but he didn't seem like a bad guy though. After all, he did serve in the Vietnam war if Peter caught the subtext correctly from what he did hear of their conversation while he was still present. Alex seemed alright, then again Peter wasn't aware of his and Hank's history.

He must have done something really upsetting for Hank to act this bitter and jaded.

It wasn't his business to intrude on and he was far from understanding, but Peter took it upon himself to straighten things out between them whether Hank liked it or not. How did Hank expect to move on if he still had unfinished business with his ex? Unless, of course, they still had feelings for each other. That would make things even more arduous.

As mentioned before, it took Peter a whole three days until he finally couldn't mind his own business anymore. Peter had pestered Hank for a better part of the day, shamelessly grilling him for details. It wasn't as if Peter wanted to gossip he just needed to know, especially since he was interested in being with Hank. He couldn't be with Hank until the air was cleared.

"So..." Peter draws out. "Alex seems interesting."

It was a later in the day when Peter found himself in Hank's room, acting as a successful nuisance while Hank tried to catch up on some reading, or at least that's what he claimed. Peter was sure it was another tactic to push Alex out of his mind.

Peter was laying on his stomach across the width of Hank's bed, chewing on his lip as he stared at the back of Hank's head. Hank promptly replied with a turn of a page and a clearing of his throat as if to tell Peter to let it be and drop it, but that wasn't how Peter did things.

"What's the deal with you two, anyway?" Peter further asks, propping his head up with a hand under his chin. "You and Alex, I mean."

"He's just a guy I used to see," Hank dismisses indifferently, trying to concentration on his book. "That's all."

"Seem awfully close for it to just be a casual thing," Peter observes, testing Hank's nerve.

"I'd rather not talk about it," Hank tells him and while it's not snappy or rude, it still sounds firm.

"It could clear your conscience a little."

"My conscience is clear, okay?"

He's lost his place more than twice by now, thanks to Peter, and Hank can't remember which line he was on, but it didn't matter since he was pretending anyway. Before Hank can find his place, the book is snatched so quickly out of his hands than Hank didn't really have to guess who did it.

Hank sighs heavily, sounding as if it's the most painful and strangled exhale he's ever made in his life, as he turns around in his chair to see Peter holding it up in a mock tease. Peter jerks the book back when Hank walks over and tries to snatch it out of his hand. Hank puts his hands on his hips, seeming to be unamused by Peter's antics.

"That is a lie and you know it," Peter points out, becoming seriously for the sake of the situation. He tosses the book aside and sits back on his heels. "Now that you're done pretending to read, maybe you can tell me what the hell is going on with you."

"I don't know what you mean," Hank disregards lamely.

"Hank, I'm really into you and I don't want ruin things between you two," Peter admits, staring deeply into Hank's eyes. Peter takes Hank's hand in his and pulls him a little closer to where he sits on the bed. "I want us to be more than friends. That can't happen if I find out you still have feelings for Alex."

"I don't have feelings for him," Hank denies with a shake of his head. "I only want you, Peter."

"You can't even say his name," Peter observes proactively, frowning at Hank's belligerent denial.

"Yours is the only name I should be saying," Hank whispers, leaning in to kiss Peter timidly.

Peter had more to say, more to argue, but Hank's lips were so soft and yielding that he completely forgot what he wanted to say. Hank brought his hands up to cup Peter's face, kissing him more deeply than before to wash away any remaining doubt. And it did, if only for a brief moment.

The quickster grabs Hank by the hips, feigning nervousness to mask his hesitance in order to make this feel right. Peter is unable to suppress a moan when Hank takes it up a notch and climbs into his lap without breaking the kiss. Peter is taken aback by this gutsy leap simply because they've never been this close before.

Hank brackets his legs on either side of Peter's thighs, pressing himself impossibly close and wrapping his arms around Peter's neck. Peter rests his hands on the tops of Hank's upper thighs, following the lead of Hank's kiss when their tongues meet for the first time. The feeling is unlike anything Peter has experienced before, but even as their tongues slide against one another, something feels off.

The way Hank moans openly and excessively is enough to lead Peter into believing that this is rushed and desperate. Like Hank is trying too hard to seduce Peter into silence. Peter won't lie, he loves the way Hank grinds on him or how he swirls his tongue along his, but this doesn't feel right. Peter feels guilty somehow.

Before Peter can break free from the kiss, Hank gently pushes him down against the mattress so that he's on top of Peter. Hank slides his hands up under Peter's shirt, caressing the smooth skin delicately with long fingers. Hank purposely grinds his hips down against Peter's groin to elicit arousal but it doesn't do anything for Peter. Peter is too preoccupied with the fact that Hank is only doing this so they don't have to talk about Alex.

"Is something wrong?" Hank asks breathlessly when he finally pulls away.

He makes sure that his hips are flush against Peter's when he sits up fully, squirming slightly in a final attempt to arouse Peter. Peter sits up as well, steadying Hank so he doesn't fall out of his lap. The look on Peter's face is riddled with disappointment and frustration as he resists the urge to humor Hank.

"I can't do this," Peter murmurs, feeling a slight tinge of guilt when Hank's face falls short of a frown. "It feels like cheating."

"It's not cheating," Hank argues, letting his voice go thick from emotion. He's angry and confused and Peter rejecting him is the last thing he needs right now. "I told you I don't want him anymore."

"Then why are you trying so hard?"

"I'm not! You're just being too self-conscious," Hank protests, trying to mask his own insecurities.

"Yeah, because I'm only a substitute for Alex," Peter answers truthfully, expressing great concern and immediately hating the way that came out. "Look, it's okay if you still love Alex. I'm completely fine with that. What's not okay is denying it and then finding out just how unfulfilling I can be just because I'm not like him. Do you understand?"

Hank wants to cry because he knows how right Peter is about him and his twister of emotions for Alex. Peter goes to sit up, sliding Hank off his lap in the process before he starts to smooth out his clothes and hair. Hank feels as low as he's ever been and it didn't occur to him just how uncomfortable Peter could be by this. He felt crummy because he had no control over his emotions.

"I sorry. I didn't mean to put you in this kind of situation," Hank apologizes, hanging his head down in shame. "I really do like you, though, and I want to be with you."

"You don't know what you want," Peter rebuffs, heading for the door.

He stands in the threshold for a moment before eventually turning to face Hank who stands indifferently by his bed. Peter caves in slightly when Hank unconsciously pouts his lips that have turned a light shade of pink from kissing. Peter walks back over towards Hank and cups his face.

"I have no doubt that you do like me, but this is serious and I don't want you making a decision you'll regret later," Peter tells him softly, angling his face up to give him a proper kiss on the lips. Hank sighs and reaches out to hold Peter, but Peter moves away before he can. "You should talk to Alex. It could do you some good."

Peter lightly taps Hank on the cheek affectionately, trying for a smile and almost succeeding if it weren't so painful to remain optimistic. Peter knew that there was a very good chance that Hank would inevitably get back with Alex, and why not? Hank was obviously hung up on the guy.

"Sort it out. Okay?" Peter says ardently, letting his hand slip away from Hank's face only to have it snatched by the wrist desperately.

"You don't have to leave, you know," Hank stalls, hoping against hope that Peter will stay. Peter gives him a skeptical once over. "I won't try anything. I just don't want to be alone. Please?"

Peter realizes he can't say no to Hank as much as he knows he should and he wishes he could trust him to keep his promise of not trying anything. Either way, Peter succumbs to the pressure of Hank's timid gaze, humoring him by sitting down on the bed and taking his shoes off.

Hank watches Peter toss his shoes aside and recline further onto the bed before eventually laying down. Peter pats the open space next to him, prompting Hank to follow suit and lay down with him. Hank hops out of his shoes one at a time, nearly falling over once or twice, and slips up beside the silver haired boy. Peter curls an arm around Hank's waist and pulls him close so that their foreheads rest against one another.

They just stare at each other for the longest time, blinking occasionally and counting the seconds to the cadence of their exhales. Peter pulls Hank even closer and rests his chin on the top of Hank's head, letting his eyes drift shut when he feels Hank's nose and breath brush against the hollow of his throat.

Hank turns into Peter's contact further, burrowing into him and wrapping an arm around the quickster as well. The embrace is reassuring and platonic enough to the point where it doesn't come off as sexual. Peter could get used to holding Hank and that scares him the most, he supposes.

Because as long as Alex is around, Peter knows Hank's heart can never truly be his.


	3. Comprehension

The next day Peter found himself pacing outside of Charles' office, contemplating whether he should knock or just walk away. Peter knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with Hank because, despite how incredibly smart he is, he's still so blissfully ignorant about how to deal with social problems. It was as if Hank was too proud to admit he needed help.

Screw it, Peter thought as he opened the door.

"Professor?" Peter asked, poking his head around the corner as he tapped his knuckles against the frame of the open door. "Are you busy?"

"Oh, Peter. I was just finishing up on grading some papers," Charles informs as he sets them aside. He looks up at Peter and motions for him to step inside. "What is it that you needed?"

Peter enters Charles' office, stuffing his hands into his pockets nervously as if he's in trouble. Peter feels a little ashamed for coming to the Professor, but Hank isn't helping him to understand the Alex situation better. There were too many questions and not enough answers and since Hank was still in denial it left the quickster only so many options.

"I can come to you for help, right?" Peter asks nervously as if the Professor is actually going to say no.

"Of course you can, Peter," Charles enthuses, staring hard and straightening up to show he's serious. "That is the premise of this entire school and I will help you to the best of my abilities."

"Even if it involves someone else?" Peter adds skeptically.

Peter was afraid to elaborate further for various reasons, but it seems that he didn't necessarily have to. After all, Charles was psychic and could foil anyone's plan in a second. Not that Charles needed to read Peter's mind to know what was troubling the young man. It was written all over his face.

"Peter, teacher-student confidentiality is my top priority and I can't jeopardize my integrity by discussing private matters," Charles rattles off swiftly as if he's recited it a dozen times, but the sincerity and regret hangs heavy in his voice. "You must respect that."

"Look, I know it's none of my business and I have no right to even ask..." Peter begins to say and he can see how Charles' face falls slightly "...but I need to know what happened to Alex. Hank can't even speak his name and refuses to talk to him. I just need to understand."

"I can't..." Charles tells him forlornly, hating the way Peter's whole posture slouches a little.

"I think I love Hank," Peter admits, frowning even deeper because it physically hurts to accept it.

He can see Charles' composure falter somewhat at this news, knowing that it's true because he can see it clear as day in Peter's heart. It's almost as if he wants nothing more than to help Peter understand Hank's reasons for such resentment towards Alex, but knowing it goes against all of his student's trust if he does.

Then again, Charles had broke that rule three years ago when he told Hank that Alex was never drafted. Charles' integrity was already tainted so what made this isolated incident any different? He could see how obviously distressed Peter was by the whole thing, being perpetually caught in the middle of it all, so he had to do something.

"Please, Professor," the silver-haired boy implores, getting more and more desperate as the seconds drag on with no reply. "I just want to help him."

"To be honest, Peter, I don't know much more than you do and I refuse to read Alex's mind without permission," Charles tells him empathetically, trying to be as reasonable as possible. "All I can tell you is that Alex decided to leave us at an unfortunate time. A lot of good friends died in his absence and Hank believes this is because Alex abandoned us when we needed him the most."

"But Alex was in Vietnam fighting his own war with his own losses," Peter points out, arguing in Alex's defensive because Hank was too stupid to realize how ludicrous he sounded. "I mean, I don't know this Alex guy, but even I can tell he went through hell. Can't Hank see that?"

"Hank refuses to listen to reason when someone he loves is involved, I'm afraid," Charles acknowledges, staring down at his desk with a somewhat vacant expression. Charles vaguely knows what that feels like because of Erik. "Even I can't convince him he's overreacting."

"He seems genuinely upset," Peter points out, thinking out loud so he can try and understand better. "Maybe it's not just an act."

"Perhaps you're right, my friend," Charles agrees, looking up at Peter who shuffles from foot to foot on the other side of his desk. "I wish I could help you more, Peter. I really do."

"You still can," Peter says wistfully. "Maybe we can just... talk?"

"Yes, of course," Charles affirms, smiling broadly to the notion of having a simple and fluid conversation to calm Peter's nerves. "Have a seat."

Peter sidesteps around the chair opposite Charles' desk and takes a seat, sighing heavily like the weight of the world is finally being lifted off his shoulders. Peter likes going fast but it's nice to slow down every once in a while to catch his breath.

The quickster sinks into the chair, leaning back and letting his head drop limply against the backrest. He takes a moment to look around the room and the quaintness of Charles' office is enough to calm his nerves for the time being. Peter feels a strange sense of ease and it gives him goosebumps.

"So, you into the whole feng shui thing or something?" Peter inquires, giving the room another once over before looking back at Charles.

"Nothing as fundamental as that, I'm afraid," the Professor chuckles, his smile lighting up the room even more. "My powers are at balance in here, letting me project calming thoughts directly into your subconscious."

"Nifty, but kinda creepy," Peter comments. He can see Charles' face drop slightly, like he's discouraged, leaving Peter to feel like a jerk. "I'm sorry... It's not creepy at all. I just-"

"You use sarcasm as a means of emotional fortification," Charles points out, picking up on Peter's behavior without even having to use his telepathy. "It's a completely normal defense mechanism, Peter. So there's no need to apologize."

"What do you do about Erik?" Peter asks after a beat, toying with the hem of his shirt. Charles averts his eyes towards the top of his desk out of diffidence. "I mean, I saw how you were around him and all. You seem pretty hung up on the guy... What do you do with all those emotions?"

It takes Charles a moment to think of the best response, knowing that whatever he says will be taken to heart and held in high regards. He isn't about to lie to Peter just to make him feel good either. Peter looks at him expectantly, fearing that the answer Charles has is one he doesn't want to hear.

"Well, I have the school. You little ankle biters sure do keep me my toes... Metaphorically speaking, of course," Charles remarks with a witty smile, making Peter loosen up a bit with a small joke. "But in all honesty Peter, I just try to not let it dictate my life. I'm passionate about what I do and that helps me move on. Helping people like us gives me a sense of purpose."

"Don't you ever think about him?"

"Absolutely," Charles immediately agrees. "Without a doubt. But it's just one of those things you inevitably get used to. It's your choice to either embrace it or let it destroy you."

Peter seems to consider this for a moment, finding that this advice isn't exactly what he hoped it would be, but it's not completely disheartening. Peter realizes that he must be mentally prepared for the possibility of Hank wanting to go back to Alex despite everything. After all, they have history. The thought of that twists Peter's stomach into knots as a feeling of uneasiness washes over him.

Peter respects Hank's choices, but the idea of being outshined by Alex makes him feel inadequate. It doesn't make him feel vindictive though. Peter holds no hate towards Alex because he's mature enough to see that Hank loves Alex no matter how much he denies it.

"Love sucks," Peter mumbles forlornly in a final summation.

"Indubitably," Charles concurs, furrowing his eyebrows and frowning deeply.

Peter stands up, letting Charles get the hint that he's done talking for now and heads for the door. When he reaches the frame he turns halfway around to face Charles whose eyes have never left him.

"Thank you for listening, Professor. I really do appreciate it," Peter tells him ardently, giving him the best smile he can muster in his current emotional state.

"It's what I'm here for, Peter. Just remember that you can come to me anytime you want. Okay?"

"Yes, sir."

Peter departs after Charles gives him a hopeful smile and goes on his way. Peter feels as if he's gotten nowhere on the subject of Hank, but talking to Charles has somewhat helped. He just needed to be reassured that life is unfair to everyone (as dower as that sounds).

He traverses through the hallways, walking aimlessly so he can slow his brain down enough to think. There are only so many things that have ever caused grief for Peter, the main two being never knowing his father and falling in love with someone who is perpetually in love with another guy.

Peter was thankful that hardly anyone were in the halls, seeing as how it was near lunchtime and most of the other kids would be downstairs. Peter contemplates getting a bite to eat to rejuvenate himself, but he isn't very hungry at the moment. He hangs his head down, watching each step he takes until unintentionally running into someone.

It knocks Peter out of his musings long enough for him to realize it was Alex he walked into. The blonde man turns around abruptly but instead of animosity, Peter is greeted with an indifferent expression. Like Alex doesn't know what to feel while in Peter's presence.

They only spoke briefly once before, if can even call that speaking, and it left a rather grey area between them. Peter wasn't sure what Alex had on his agenda and whether or not if he hated Peter's guts. A conversation might be out of the question but Peter could still apologize.

"Excuse me. I should've been watching where I was going," Peter says, willing to admit his own faults. He wasn't intimidated by Alex, he just didn't want to come off as an asshole. "I'm much more coordinated when I'm running, believe it or not."

"It's fine," Alex says neutrally, looking Peter up and down with a quizzical eye. This should be Peter's cue to get lost but Alex goes on to ask, "Peter, right?"

"Yeah, and you're Alex," Peter acknowledges, wondering where they planned to take this particular conversation. "I've heard things about you."

"What kind of things?" Alex questions, getting curious about what Peter has to say.

It's not like Alex hates Peter, he's just jealous that Hank has found someone else to replace him. Peter isn't a person that automatically gets on his nerves out of spite, Alex is sure they could be friends if he tried, but he's not in the best position right now to do so.

"I heard that you served in Vietnam," Peter tells him. He wasn't necessarily told that, but it wasn't that hard to figure out especially since the dog tags around Alex's neck gave it all away. "That must have been really tough to go through and if it means anything, I find your bravery very admirable."

"That's kind of you to say," Alex thanks in his own way.

"I know a lot of people who wouldn't have the guts to do what you did," Peter goes on to praise, not to patronize Alex but to reassure him that what he did was a good thing despite what Hank might think. "Me included."

"No one should have to do what I did over there," Alex replies cryptically in a far off tone.

There's something that flickers in Alex's eyes, like he's recalling something from the battlefield, and Peter can't help but sympathize at the sadness in his irises. It's as if Alex's haunted by the memories of Vietnam which is completely understandable. He's heard of post-traumatic stress disorder and Peter would be surprised if he wasn't haunted in some way.

"Has Hank talked to you?" Peter asks after a moment.

"No, why would he?" Alex snaps, jerking his head up to Peter and staring at him with a skeptical look as if he knows something Alex doesn't.

"I just suggested that he should talk to you," Peter shrugs, hoping to come off as nonchalant. "I know it's not my place to say, but I thought it would do him some good if you two spoke. Clear the air, so to speak."

"How noble of you..." Alex remarks dryly.

Peter has to conceal the smile that dares to grace his face because he remembers what Charles had told him about using sarcasm as a defense mechanism. It's in this moment that Peter realizes Alex is just as scared as he is, if not more, leading him to believe that they aren't so different after all. They're both in the same boat in terms of who Hank wants to be with.

"Well, I'm sorry once again for bumping into you," Peter says after a long awkward pause, excusing himself from Alex's vicinity by walking past him.

Alex feels like a total jerk all of a sudden for being passive aggressive towards Peter when Peter was only trying to be nice. He strains with a sigh and, much to his chagrin, he finds himself growing a conscience.

"Peter," Alex calls after him out of guilt. Peter turns back around to establish eye contact. "Thank you for taking care of Hank while I was gone. I mean it."

There is no lie in Alex's eyes. Though hard to admit out of his own insecurities and stubbornness, Alex means every word. If it weren't for Peter, Hank would be a wreck and even more reclusive than he is now and Alex can admire Peter for preventing that even if it is unfortunate for him. Peter was a decent guy.

"That certainly means a lot coming from you, Alex," Peter thanks, smiling broadly because he trusts Alex's judgment over anyone else's when it comes to Hank. "It was nice finally being able to talk to you, even if it was a little brief. Catch you later."

"You too."

They both parted ways, but somehow they felt like they knew each other a little better.


	4. Choice

Hank didn't like feeling this way. His palms were sweating because he was so nervous and they trembled ever so slightly as he made his way to Alex's room. It was a route Hank took many times, both before the war and after, but now it wasn't something Hank particularly anticipated anymore. He remembers the days, and most often nights, when an evening with Alex meant the world to him.

But now... That's not how things were anymore. The world has changed and so has it's inhabitants, but there are things we can't change or forget. Memories, and people for that matter, we can't let go of. Hank tries to debunk this by refusing to believe he still has feelings for Alex, but it only makes it worse. It only makes him remember.

It had been before the whole fiasco with Shaw but not too long after Darwin's death. They were settled into Charles' more than spacious home and Hank found that Alex started to mill around him more. At first Hank wasn't aware why he did it, but it was most likely the guilt over Darwin dying indirectly by Alex's hand.

It initially started with the tasteless nicknames that Alex seemed to have on tap just for Hank, which got under Hank's skin, but he ignored it for the most part. Charles was teaching him not to take things to heart and accept himself for the person he is. Mutation and all. Charles even went out of his way to give Alex a small lecture on name calling.

Shortly after that it had been playful banter between Alex and Hank, as well as Sean who often found their arguments quite comical. Alex still called him Bozo from time to time be he significantly eased up on it. Somehow, they even became after that and neither one of them ever questioned it once.

They spent an ungodly amount of time together, whether it was down in the bunker or in Hank's lab or up on the satellite watching Sean fly, seeing as how they were inseparable. Hank taught Alex about their genetics and Alex showed Hank how to stand up for himself. It was somehow the perfect balance despite how different they were.

That's not to say they always got along, though, because Alex and Hank were known to clash occasionally over the smallest of things. Charles had attributed it to their conflicting personalities but Sean was more keen on the whole situation. Sean had been there and witnessed their fights first hand, knowing right away why Alex and Hank fought so much.

Sexual tension was an elusive force to be reckoned with but both Alex and Hank were so willfully ignorant that it went unnoticed for a better part of the week. Sean bit his tongue on many occasions just to draw out the humorous squabbles. But it wasn't until Sean got fed up one morning and blatantly pointed this out by saying:

"Why don't you guys just fuck and get it over with."

Alex and Hank both flushed with embarrassment at the comment, postponing their argument for another time as quickly vacated the area. Sean let out an exaggerated sigh and called after the two boys to lighten up, claiming that he had been joking. It was safe to say that they hadn't believed this to be true and went to their respective rooms to mull this over in their heads a bit.

They avoided confrontation after that, making their friendship rather strained and filled with all sorts of tension. Neither wanted to think about what Sean had said or what that might imply, but conflict was inevitable. It was only a matter of time before one of them exploded in the worse way possible. It didn't take long either. Two days to be exact, and definitely short enough to keep Sean's snarky comment fresh in their minds.

They were in Alex's room just hanging out and enjoying each other's company. Hank read a book quietly, bracing his back against the headboard as Alex picked at his blanket. He looked up at time to time, contemplating what Sean had said and wondering how Hank felt about it.

"Sean has a really tasteless sense of humor," Alex said with a faint smirk and a short chuckle, picking at a thread on his comforter.

"How so?" Hank asked, taking the bait and giving Alex a curious gaze when he looked up from his book.

"I was just thinking about that comment he made about us fucking and how ridiculous it was," Alex clarified, taking a chance.

"Oh? Well, I fail to see why that would be so tasteless to you," Hank huffed indignantly, snapping his book shut in frustration.

"What's eating you?" Alex inquired skeptically, finding a hint of a challenge in Hank's tone.

"Oh, nothing at all. Just the fact that you thinking fucking me is the most ridiculous thing ever," Hank shouted back with such fire that it made Alex's face flush a slight shade of red.

"Well maybe it would be ridiculous," Alex retorted childishly, feeling the fight enter his bloodstream. "You probably don't even know how to fuck."

"Like I'd let you fuck me anyway," Hank mocked, leaning across to the other side of Alex's bed to get in his face.

It wasn't clear who made the first move, but the fight in them had been too pent up for what happened next. Alex was on top of Hank, grinding his groin against Hank's thigh and kissing him fervently like his life depended on it. Hank squirmed against Alex, kissing back just as fiercely and melting into the contact as he moaned into Alex's mouth.

It seemed the idea of Alex and Hank fucking wasn't so ridiculous after all, not that Alex had meant anything he said. They only said those things because they were scared about what would happen if they did get together.

Their bodies craved friction and they shamelessly grinded against one another to satisfy that particular urge, feeling each other's arousal rub incessantly against thighs. It happened all so fast but Alex and Hank figured it had been a long time coming. Soon their clothes were discarded and they were finding out just how non-ridiculous fucking each other was.

And just like that, it was love at first fight...

Hank came out of his stupor of half forgotten memories and found himself standing at Alex's bedroom door. He spared no suspense and just opted to knock straight up, fixing his posture to a stance that held his ground. Hank was ready for so many things, but after a long moment of waiting there was no response.

He rapped his knuckles against the wooden surface again, slouching slightly as his eyebrows furrowed inward. There was still no answer from the room and Hank figured that Alex must be elsewhere. Still, Hank was known to be marginally paranoid and pressed his ear to the door, cupping the other one to train his enhanced hearing to this room only.

There was no noise that Hank could detect and he should be certain since his mutation enables him to hear even the faintest of sounds. Hank's body language shifts drastically, almost as if he's disappointed, like he had been excited to see Alex just now. Hank shakes his head, denying this fact further until he's blue in the face.

Hank was ready to talk to Alex and confront him about leaving him to go to Vietnam, but Alex hadn't been in his room. Just Hank's luck, huh? Hank sighed, slumping his forehead against the door before finally cutting his losses and making the journey back to his lab. A place where things actually made sense...

When Hank made it to his lab he pulled out his keys to unlock the door, exhaling slowly as if he needed to calm his nerves. He hasn't thought of the day him and Alex first had sex with each other and it was almost painful in the sense that he wished they could go back to when things seemed more simple.

Hank flipped through his various keys to find the right one only to lose his place and drop them carelessly on the ground. He went to pick them up but was intercepted by a shaking hand that had caressed him many times before. Hank slowly straightens upright, raking his eyes up the length of his visitor.

"It's this one here," Alex murmurs softly with recollection, looking up at Hank shyly as he discerns out the right key.

Alex turns toward the door, sliding the key into the lock and turning it clockwise as Hank watches him in acquiesce. Hank can see how Alex's hand trembles slightly and vaguely wonders why he's shaking. At first glance it could have been nerves but there was an underlying haunt about it and it left Hank with an overwhelming amount of sadness.

The door swings open slightly and Alex holds it open for Hank, prompting Hank to enter the room with Alex following close behind. Alex shuts the door with a soft click and walks in further to set the key ring on the counter. Hank doesn't say anything to Alex as they settle into the lab but he gestures towards an empty stool. Alex accepts this, finding it to be invitation enough.

Alex sits down on the cold metal stool next to Hank and scoots a little closer to the other man, noticing no apprehension from him whatsoever. Hank doesn't attempt to occupy himself with anything, he simply folds his hands and rests the on the countertop, waiting for Alex to say something.

"Peter said that we should talk," Alex says, staring at the side of Hank's face. "I think we should too."

Hank doesn't say anything in response to this, suddenly feeling at a loss for words and too speechless to talk to Alex unlike before when he was ready to confront him. Alex cranes his head to one side, trying to look Hank in the face, but he is unmoving. This disheartens Alex and perhaps kills him a little. He's done this to Hank.

"I'll leave you alone. It's what I'm best at, right?" Alex says despondently, getting ready to stand up and leave but Hank's voice catches him.

"I was just thinking earlier, that this wouldn't have happened if it weren't for Sean and his snarky remark," Hank thinks out loud, shaking his head slightly with a bitter smile.

"I don't know," Alex replies with a small shrug, sitting back down and recalling the remark in question. "Sean didn't bring us together. Fate did. It was bound to happen eventually. Sean just sped up the process."

"Yeah," Hank chuckles lightly, revealing a genuine smile that breaks Alex's heart ten times over. "Yeah, you're right."

The wall they had both built between them started to crumble brick by brick and for a moment it almost felt like the old days. Except things were different now. War had happened and friends were lost on both sides. No one truly wins in these situations... Something is always lost at a price. Hank spares a side glance at Alex, locking gazes and then faltering marginally as if it pains him to look at the blonde.

"I stopped by your room just before," Hank mentions, willing his voice to remain calm and collected. He sounds as if he's practicing a speech, choosing his words carefully. "There were so many things I was going to say to you, but now... I just don't know."

"I know you're angry, confused, and hurt. You have every right to be," Alex acknowledges, cringing at each word even as he says them. "It was unfair of me to leave without so much as an explanation and I regret it everyday."

"So..." Hank begins, hearing Alex out because it's the explanation he's been wanting to hear for five years now. "...tell me why. Blow my mind."

Oh, the fiery little punk Hank is... Alex doesn't particularly like the tone Hank takes on at the last sentence and he has to fight the urge to argue. Old habits die hard, after all. He takes a calming breath, knowing that Hank is testing him, and suppresses the snotty remark he had on the tip of his tongue.

"I left because of you," Alex says solemnly before he can word it differently.

"Me?" Hank inquires, making an indignant little huff as if he's offended.

"I didn't think I was good enough to protect you and I knew I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened to you," Alex goes onto say, ignoring Hank's angry outburst.

"So you just gave up instead?"

"I just didn't want to fail you and that's exactly what I ended up doing."

"You're such an idiot," Hank huffs weakly, letting his tears brim over with out a second thought.

"I know," Alex agrees, frowning with disdain because it murders him to see Hank cry. He places a tentative hand on Hank's forearm and squeezes lightly, feeling that old spark flicker with interest. "I guess that's another thing I'm good at, huh?"

The grip tightens on Hank's arm and Hank winces at the strength of Alex's deft and well-trained hand. He glances down at where Alex squeezes him, noticing that his hand is shaking once again. Hank looks up at Alex's haunted expression and it suddenly clicks as he puts two and two together.

"Sorry," Alex murmurs when he realizes what he's done and retracts his hand.

Hank realizes now that Alex's hand is shaken by the horrors of Vietnam, remembering the condition people usually got from traumatic experiences such as warfare. It was referred to as post-traumatic stress disorder and it crippled people in many different ways. There was no denying that Alex was afflicted by it.

"Show me," Hank says with a slight lilt in his tone almost as if he's asking. He turns to face Alex fully, holding out his hand towards him. "I just want to see."

Alex reluctantly complies to the request and places his hand in Hank's, feeling an impulse shoot through his body. Hank's touch is so gentle and so light that Alex had almost forgotten what it was like to feel his smooth skin sliding against his. His palm twitches when Hank's fingertips brush lightly over the soles and a tremor wracks Alex's hand.

"Only time it's steady is when it's on the trigger of a gun," Alex points out, gauging Hank's trek forlornly.

Hank can't begin to picture Alex with a semi-automatic weapon gunning down opposing soldiers who were just following orders. Gunning down men and boys. Boys their age and younger, playing cowboys and indians in a more gruesome tableaux of humanity's less than savory nature. How haunted he must be by those boys.

"I never thought about how this would affect you," Alex says suddenly, bringing a hand up to wipe away Hank's tears with the pad of his thumb. Hank leans into the contact. "I was selfish and I never gave you a chance. You deserve better than that."

Hank looks at Alex with a somewhat lost expression, understanding what Alex is trying to say but, at the same time, not having the slightest clue. Hank brings his hand up and presses it over Alex's, cupping it to his face because he knows Alex feel the compulsion to pull away. His touch stalls Alex for the time being.

"You deserve the world," Alex murmurs, leaning into Hank's space. "You deserve someone like Peter."

"What are you trying to say?" Hank persists in a barely there tone.

His shaking hand comes up to cup the other side of Hank's face, steadying for the slightest moment, and presses his lips against Hank's. Their lips move together in a soft display of affection but they never open their mouths. Hank feels like he's on the verge of crying again and he does because it hurts. It physically and emotionally hurts to kiss Alex even when he's being so tender and considerate.

They embrace each other in such a way that nearly makes them fall off their stools, kissing just as gently but putting their necks into it a little more. It feels right but somehow different and Alex figures that no matter how great it is to kiss Hank again, it'll never be the same as before. It's just one of those things that you can't change.

Alex pulls away with one last fleeting peck upon Hank's lips that leave both of them breathless. They rest their foreheads against one another, sitting and exhaling slowly in acquiesce. Alex wills himself to resist the urge to kiss Hank again. It completely sucks the life force out of him because he craves the for how it used to feel.

"You know I love you, right?" Alex inquires rhetorically, fighting every fiber in him to not cry.

"I love you too," Hank sobs, squeezing his eyes shut as the tears come streaming down his face unabashed.

"You deserve something that's going to make you happy. Whether it be a person, a place, an atom, or some bacterial fungi growing on the bottom of your shoe," Alex encourages, chuckling weakly at the last one. He wipes more of Hank's tears away only for them to be replaced by fresh ones. "I just want to see you smile again. Even if that means letting you go."

Hank realizes what Alex is trying to say now, and it kills him to think that Alex would be so selfless as to let go even when Alex's lost more than Hank could ever understand. Alex loved him so much that he no longer cared about how Hank's decision could affect him. All Alex cared about was Hank's happiness and that was the ultimate sacrifice.

Hank knows what this means and he's given an ultimatum: Alex or Peter. He knows who he wants to choose but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the right choice. If there even was a right choice. Hank can weigh the pros and cons all day but Hank is aware that he'll have to make a decision, and soon. Love isn't meant to be decided or discussed and no one should ever have to make a choice like this, but Hank supposes it was inevitable.

In the end, someone was going to get hurt either way.


	5. Absolution

"Hey guys!" Hank calls out from one of the windows. "I'll be out there in a minute!"

Alex and Peter raised their heads towards the greeting and promptly waved over at Hank in acknowledgment. They are sitting side by side near the fountain, chatting away to kill time as they waited for Hank. After everything that happened they all became friends, well Alex and Peter became friends because Hank refused to spend time with them separately. They were more mature than that.

Hank hadn't made his choice yet but, oddly enough, there wasn't an inner strain between the three of them. Alex had been right in the assumption that him and Peter could be good friends and despite the rocky start, they hit it off quite well even after the fact. Then again, they had one topic in common: Hank.

They had both loved Hank in many ways, Alex physically and Peter emotionally. Peter hasn't had sex with Hank yet going by what Peter had told Alex, which didn't matter either way but kind of comforting as selfish as it sounds. Of course, they were bound to talk about their relationships with Hank, what did you expect them to do? It wasn't for snarky gossip or graphic details but mostly to compare experiences and divulge the many ways Hank had been with two different people.

It was clear Hank was two different kinds of lover with both of them. Alex described his relationship with Hank as fiery and passionate, while Peter said it was more carefree and slow. They were both different types of serious and it seemed Peter had succeeded where Alex failed. Peter was willing to go the distance and take things as they come, while Alex was afraid of inadequacy.

Hank's relationship with Alex was built on sexual tension and half hearted arguments made to get under each other's skin. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, if that's how it worked then there was no need to change it. Hank's relationship with Peter though... It was harder to explain. Not any more complex, just more uncertain in it's direction.

Peter reminded Hank of Alex in some ways. They were both cocky, wisecracking, and sometimes a bit arrogant, but genuinely good people at heart. They stood apart as well, of course. Alex built walls where Peter built bridges. Alex had been a love at first sight while Peter was more of a gradual thing.

At first, Hank had been apprehensive towards the idea of being with Peter, mostly because Hank didn't want Peter to become just a replacement, but it was nothing like that at all. Peter wasn't convenient in any sense of the word. Peter was quirky and sweet underneath it all, willing to take his time despite how much it killed him to go slow. When Peter had his heart set on something there was nothing that could deter him.

Alex was passionate this way too, but he hadn't always been the most optimistic person after all. Alex was used to drifting in and out, letting go of things that were hard to keep a grasp on in the first place. He inevitably loses what he loves most either by dumb luck or his own insecurities. And that is Alex's tragic flaw.

Afraid of losing people even when he's the one pushing them away.

It was more than apparent how badly Hank wished he could just fuse them both together, flaws and all, but no one ever truly gets what they want. People were made to suffer in this way. There was no right or wrong, just gut instinct. A leap of faith by the heart. There was no question that Hank loved them both dearly, but he couldn't have both.

"Listen, I'm glad you agreed to come hang out with me," Alex says, smiling vaguely at the notion of having Peter as a friend.

"Hey, I'm glad you invited me!" Peter enthuses ardently, slapping Alex on the back. "I knew I'd grow on you eventually."

"I can see why Hank likes you so much," Alex remarks with a short laugh.

"Why's that?"

"You're able to get under his skin. He likes that kind of thing, no matter how much he denies it," Alex clarifies, giving Peter a once over. "Hank likes to feel wanted and fought for. Persistence is key in his eyes."

"He's adorable when he gets all flushed and annoyed," Peter comments with chuckle, grinning widely over at Alex who shares the same look.

"Yeah, looking like he's about to rip his hair out and go Beast on everyone," Alex adds, laughing even more.

"Wow..." Peter murmurs with curiosity.

"What?"

"You can practically hear the love you have for Hank in your voice," Peter says distantly. It sounds like a compliment and it is. Almost envious in a sense. "Also makes me feel guilty."

"Hey," Alex says firmly enough to snap Peter out of his musings. "It's not a contest to see who loves Hank more. You have no reason to feel guilty. Me on the other hand..."

"People make mistakes, Alex," Peter says, trying to use the same method on him but failing.

"Yeah, well, not everyone abandons the love of their life," Alex scoffs ruefully.

"You know he loves you."

"That doesn't bother you? Knowing that he still loves me?" Alex asks, eyeing the silver haired boy precariously to see if his demeanor changes.

"Not at all," Peter admits unabashed, seeming unfazed by it. "I think it's normal to still have feelings for someone. If he didn't then he'd be lying. I'm just glad he's finally being honest with himself."

"You're a good person, you know that Pete?" Alex says frankly. Maybe it stings a little because Peter has what he doesn't, but he means it nonetheless.

"I think you're the only person who calls me Pete," he points out with an amused huff.

"Hank is really lucky to have someone like you."

Peter frowns at this, face falling little by little as the guilt of Alex's words set in. Hank hasn't made his choice yet, but it seemed that both Alex and Peter were well aware of who he was going to pick, or at least knew the most logical choice.

"You make it sound like Hank has already made his decision," Peter points out, looking down at the ground in contemplation.

"It's obvious, isn't it?" Alex asks rhetorically, turning to look at the window Hank had called out from earlier. "He'd be crazy not to pick you."

"Let's not make it a contest," Peter echoes, recalling Alex's remark and earning him an elbow jab. Peter looks over at the arm that nudged him, noticing the faint tremor. "What's with the hand, anyway?"

"One of the many gifts from Vietnam," Alex jokes with sarcasm, feeling a particular tinge of hate and fatigue course through his veins as he tries to steady his hand.

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," Peter brushes off and Alex scoffs indignantly at this comment. "You just have to find something that steadies you. Keeps you grounded. And one day, your hand will forget what it's done eventually."

"That's easy for you to say..."

Alex had more to say but they were interrupted by Hank's arrival.

"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" Hank asks, walking up to the pair with a timid smile.

"Stuff."

"And things," Peter adds swiftly, looking suspicious as ever.

Hank gives them both a once over with a skeptical eye but doesn't press the subject any further than that. Instead, he goes to sit between Alex and Peter at the base of the fountain, making them both squirm subtly by the closeness of them all together. Both Alex and Peter want to reach out and give Hank a kiss but neither of them do it. They look so guilty like they just murdered someone and hid the body underneath his feet.

"So, what's the plan?" Hank inquires, sparing a glance at both of them.

"Popcorn and a movie?" Alex offers with a shrug looking between Hank and Peter as he stands up.

"Sounds great," Hank agrees with a smile. "I'll check the tv guide when we get inside."

They all walk back towards the mansion in silence. Hank gets the urge to hold their hands but he knows how inappropriate that would be. He can't help it if he wants them both and Hank is aware that Alex and Peter feel the same way. From time to time they occasionally brush arms and hands but nothing becomes of it.

Hank had watched Alex and Peter interacting with each other across the courtyard before he decided to show up and noticed their body language to be somewhat loose. When Hank interrupted they appeared to tighten up in a way, like they had to be someone different around Hank. He didn't like it one bit. It felt like some crude form of torture.

Hank stops suddenly, leaving Alex and Peter to walk a few more paces ahead until they realize Hank has stopped. They both turn back to Hank with a puzzled expression.

"You guys can hold my hand," Hank says blatantly. "The circumstances shouldn't have to dictate our friendship."

"We didn't want to overwhelm you prematurely," Alex says, speaking for Peter as well.

"I'm not made of glass," Hank complains, walking up to Alex and Peter.

He grabs their hands in his and studies their reaction for a moment. Alex looks down at where Hank holds his and Peter's hand, raising his gaze over at Peter who does pretty much the same thing. They share a look of consideration and oddly enough they seem unaffected by the fact of sharing Hank's touch.

"This is okay," Hank reassures, squeezing them a little firmly to ground them in reality.

Maybe it was a little unorthodox but Alex nor Peter were about to complain about Hank's questionable method. It probably wasn't wise to hold both of their hands but Hank really couldn't stand it any longer. He wasn't ready to let either of them go and that hurt the most, knowing that one of these men was going to be chosen and not the other.

And here he was, caught in the middle.

When they finally made it inside, Peter set out to make copious amounts of popcorn while Alex grabbed some drinks from the fridge. Hank had made his way to his room to get a movie set up, leaving Alex and Peter to work side by side. A few of the other students were milling around the kitchen as well since it was nearing towards the evening but the chatter and noise was somewhat welcomed. It made Alex feel grounded for the first time since being back.

Alex and Peter made their way to Hank's room, juggling a big bowl of popcorn and soda cans as they dodged the hungry kids racing to the kitchen for dinner. The tension between Alex and Peter was somewhat nervous but giddy, like they were expecting this to be a date of sorts. It wasn't a date though. It was just the three of them hanging out. Hank still needed time before he decided.

They were mature about it too. It wasn't challenge and neither of Hank's love interests went out of their way to one up each other. Things weren't going to be better if they put pressure on Hank and demanded a choice now. Still, it was torturous and it scared both of them to think that one of them was more worthy of Hank's love.

"Knock, knock!" Peter announces when they make it to Hank's room, nudging the door open with his shoulder. "Your humble servants have come bearing beverages and snacks!"

Hank can't suppress or contain the laugh that follows after the comment, beckoning Alex and Peter over quickly because the movie was about to start. Alex and Peter climbed onto the bed, taking their respective places on either side of Hank as they all huddled around the bowl of popcorn. Alex handed them their drinks and they all settled in.

They were replaying Planet of the Apes on tv again but none of them minded it much. Alex had been in Vietnam when it came out initially so he was seeing it for the first time. The three of them sat shoulder to shoulder in comfortable silence as the glow from the tv danced across their faces.

The movie was enjoyed mostly in acquiesce aside from the occasional witty remark from Peter that generated soft chuckles and light arm slaps. Alex throws pieces of popcorn over at Peter in a playful manner as if to boo him off stage, so to speak, prompting Hank to come between them.

The atmosphere around Hank is humid to say the least, with Alex's and Peter's body heat radiating from them like furnaces. Their postures are loose for the most part but there's an underlying tension settling around them that ultimately stems from Hank being trapped in the middle of them.

Hank can feel the subtle way Alex shifts closer to him, either consciously or by habit, and how Peter brushes a hand against Hank's thigh in a casual manner. It's like they've forgotten the other was there and old habits are dying hard. Hank knows that Alex and Peter are rebelling against their short leashes and it's just too overwhelming.

"I have to use the bathroom," Hank excuses, standing up abruptly before Alex or Peter know what hits them.

Alex and Peter share a look of concern as Hank walks briskly out of the room, creasing their brow lines with worry when the door swings freely on it's hinges. Alex nods towards the door as if telling Peter to go follow him and the other man complies almost immediately. He would've went with Peter but he didn't want to overwhelm Hank.

Peter trails behind Hank at normal speed, watching his form retreating into a bathroom down the hall before he can catch up with him. He isn't sure if Hank locked the door or not but he doesn't try the knob first, instead he knocks lightly on the wooden surface.

"Hank? Are you alright?" Peter inquires softly, getting no reply. "Can I come in?"

This question was promptly answered by the door being unlocked and opened a crack, permitting entry for Peter. Peter steps inside, closing the door behind him to give them the much needed privacy. Hank is sitting on the lid of the toilet with his head in his hands, quaking with short sobs that wrack his body.

"Hey, don't cry," Peter comforts, dropping to his knees at the edge of Hank's feet, ready to console the man if he has to. "Everything is going to be okay."

Hank doesn't respond. He sniffles and hiccups as if he's trying to swallow his half-hearted little sobs but it only makes him sound more desperate. Peter reaches out and cups Hank's hands together, holding them warmly to calm him down. Hank looks up at him with watery eyes that dare to spill over, but hang on by a thread.

"Peter-"

"Shh. I know everything you want to say," he soothes, trying for a smile. "And you should know that it's perfectly fine. I understand."

"What are saying?"

"Come on, Alex loves you. He'd do absolutely anything for you just to have you back," Peter points out, enthusing a hopeful reaction out of Hank. "Go get him before it's too late."

Peter stands up, bringing Hank with him and they embrace platonically, sharing a brief act of affection. Peter squeezes him extra tight, hating to let Hank go but knowing that he has to no matter how much it hurts to.

"Thank you," Hank murmurs, burying his face into Peter's neck before the latter lets go of him. "You don't know how much that means to me."

"Yes, I know, I'm awesome... Now go get him already!" Peter chides with faux impatience, pushing Hank towards the door. "Just because Alex would wait centuries for you doesn't mean you have to torture the poor guy any longer."

Hank gives him the warmest smile and it breaks Peter into a million pieces. Hank rushes out the door, leaving Peter to smile vaguely in his wake. It's as if someone tore out Peter's heart and played a game of tennis with it only to sow it back in again, but it felt even better knowing he did the right thing. What Hank had with Alex was one in a million and Peter wasn't about to come between that.

It was clear to Hank and he realizes now that it had always been Alex, no matter how much he tries to deny it or cover it up by moving on. He would never truly get over Alex and he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he walked away now after everything that had happened. Alex made a mistake and Hank was finally willing to forgive him.

He opens the door to his room tentatively, poking his head in around the edge of it to make sure Alex was still there. Alex's gaze drifts over to the movement and makes eye contact with Hank, concentrating on the way the glare reflects off his glasses. Hank enters giving Alex a bashful smile and shuts the door behind him with a soft click.

"What happened to Peter?" Alex asks, trying for conversation but also genuinely curious.

"He went to get dinner," Hank guesses, but it's probably true as well.

Alex nods.

"You missed the end of the movie," Alex says.

Hank makes his way over to his bed and sits down next to Alex, pressing in close to his side purposely. Alex squirms slightly and goes to move away but Hank stops him. He smiles hopefully as Alex starts to take the hint. Alex returns the smile, feeling that familiar tingle of giddiness he had the first time he kissed Hank. Hank threads his fingers with Alex's and in the moments that follow after, Alex's hand forgets to tremble.

"That's okay," Hank says, stroking a thumb over Alex's knuckles. "I know how it ends."


End file.
